Things I Hate: Wedge Sneakers

Oh man, oh man. It has been a while since I have had the pleasure of typing up a relatively coherent tangent about the things I hate. This evening, I really detest wedge sneakers.

Ever since whatever celebrity wore them first and started the manic scramble for such cheap looking footwear, I have loathed wedge sneakers. Pretty soon, ever major brand and shoe designer had their own version of the suede, rubber, leather, pleather, glitter, spiked, and hardware detailed footwear.

The standard.

Let's dissect everything that is wrong here, using the above example as our foundation.

First, they are clumsy. Their design is errant. On any normal foot, this specimen would look like it came directly out of a home healthcare catalog for 1987. Wedge sneakers look orthopedic at best. The velcro staps paired with the seemingly inflatable tongue make these look more like a gag gift than something anyone would ever ask for. When you put this with some achingly tight skinny jeans (which is all I ever see them with) you look like a break-dancing teen from Omaha in the 80's.

Second, they lack purpose. Okay, okay, okay. I knew before I started this post that making a comment about shoes needing to have a purpose would result in my blogger crucifixion, and rightfully so. I will be the first in line to say that clothes don't need to have function to fulfill their style purpose. And that, my friends, is where the wedge sneaker is different. They serve no style purpose, and therefore, should have to fulfill their purpose in function, which they clearly do not do. This is what happens when a philosophy major starts a fashion blog. So, back to the original statement. Why, exactly, would a sneaker need a wedge? A sneaker represents some degree of athleticism, whether it is implied or explicit. A wedge eliminates a degree of control and stability by lifting the heel further from the ground. Much like the platypus, this shoe makes no sense.

Third, they don't look good with anything. This point only applies if I were to concede that these shoes weren't the worst thing gracing clearance racks across the world. I'm not going to concede that point, but let's just imagine that I did for the sake of this third section. If you were to take apart each shoe part from this hybrid you would be left with a wedge and a sneaker. Wedges and sneakers alike, do not belong with every outfit. They lack a certain versatility in that way. A wedge is a safer alternative to a heel, and thus, goes with (most) outfits that a heel would go with. A sneaker is serves a casual, pseudo-athletic, comfort purpose. Putting these two shoes together like some Dr. Frankenstein-esque experiment in fashion does not create an innovative new look, but rather, a monster. The Monster.

Finally, they look cheap. I don't mean cheap in an inexpensive way. As I said before, every designer seems to have their own version of these monstrosities and they can cost over $1,000. I mean cheap in the sense that they look like they were put together from the remnants of other misfit shoes. They fulfill this perception by trying to incorporate 3+ trends in to two square feet (another pun!) of garment. You would be hard pressed to find a wedge sneaker that does not incorporate less than three of the following: suede, zippers, metallics, velcro, glitter, sequins, specialized hardware, camouflage, animal print, spikes, studs, quilting, color blocking, neon, or fringe. These shoes look like rejects. If only we, as a people, could reject their "fashion" advances.

This pair is over $1,100.

Commit to one or the other. Chances are you will never have an outfit that is appropriate for both a wedge and a sneaker, so ignore this tacky trend.

Get Fit: Bottoms

Poorly fitted bottoms (jeans, pants, skirts) are a distraction, to say the least. Think of it this way, the bottom half of your body represents 50% of your exterior, physical self (because half is equal to 50%). That's a lot of you that should look as good as possible. This means that saggy butts, dangerous amounts of thigh exposure, and unintentionally visible ankles are not casualties of your style.

Jeans:
I worked at Gap for about 2 years while I was in college. I absolutely loved my job there (really). Every day I worked I got to sift through new product, organize clothes, and fold things. Those are things I (oddly?) enjoy. If you spend enough time at Gap, you become quite talented at being able to fit people visually, especially when it comes to jeans. So, as always, I'm the self-proclaimed expert.
Step one, tell yourself what your favorite part of your lower half is (mind out of the gutters, please). This serves a two fold purpose: you deserve to compliment yourself and it gives you some direction where to start. My favorite part of my lower body is the sheer length of my legs. I'm about 6 feet tall and don't shy away from that fact. When I am in search of jeans I look for something that shows off this attribute. Identify what this attribute is for yourself. Maybe it's your bum, or maybe it's shapely calves. Once you have identified your best assets, you can then narrow which jeans are probably going to work the best with your body. Using myself and my legs as an example, I go for trouser and curvy fits.
Step two, find your length. I personally believe that all women's bottoms should be sized like men's. I am not a "long," "average," or "short" individual. I need a 36 inch inseam (the length from your crotch to your feet), not whatever the arbitrary "long" means. Regardless of my preferences, not many brands measure women's inseams as such, so you will have some try-al (see what I did there) and error ahead of you. It is important to remember several things when considering length. Exactly what types of shoes are you most commonly going to wear your jeans with? Flats? Sneakers? Heels? Each of those shoe types comes with a need for a different length. Additionally, what is the fabric makeup of your denim purchase? This will affect about how much they shrink if you chose to dry them at any time. The rule of thumb I operate on is that jeans will shrink about a half inch when washed and dried mechanically. This doesn't mean you should just go with the longest pair you can find and hope for the best. As previously posted, it is easier to fix a something that is longer than it should be, than something that is shorter than it should be. No one enjoys the ratty look of jeans or pants that have been drug across the pavement a few too many times.
Step three, pay attention to petite and tall. This step may not apply to everyone. Tall is not the same as long, and petite is not the same as short. Long and short, when referring to length, are sort of like the "extra helpers." They provide, or take away, a few extra inches from the regular length in the inseam alone. These sizes make no proportional changes to the waist, hips, or crotch. This means, that is you need more than about one to two inches of extra or less length, you should be looking at tall or petite sizes. Tall and petite sizes take in to account that when you were growing, your femur was not acting alone. These sizes have made adjustments to how the overall garment fits in areas other than length. This also applies to other clothing items such as jackets or dresses.
Step four, get those jeans on and try them out. Walk around. Sit down. Do some lunges. Twerk. Do whatever it is that you need to do to make sure they fit in all the right places. If you can't walk, sit, or stand comfortably in your jeans before you have purchased them, nothing is going to change later.

Pants:
Pants follow the same rules as jeans but with a few other areas worth noting.
Camel toe isn't a good thing. It's a fun thing to joke about, but nothing worth committing to yourself. Unlike jeans, pants more frequently find themselves in professional or work settings. As a result, shirts tend to be tucked in, which adds an area of visibility that you may not have considered otherwise. Make it a priority to be very aware of how your pants fit in the crotch when you are in-store. Additionally, the fabric in pants tends to be less discriminating than denim, which means they may be more apt to cling to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

Skirts:
I would argue that skirts have infinitely more versatility now than they ever have. They work for every season and every outing. This, of course, means you should pay attention to proper fit.
The biggest lesson I can provide you regarding wearing a skirt that fits correctly, is pay attention to two things: your hips and your height.
Most skirts, unless high waisted, are intended to sit on your hips. If there is a substantial disparity in the size of your hips and waist (hourglass figures) you will likely run in to the problem of having skirts slowly ride up to your natural waist. Losing three inches of a skirt in an upward direction is a guaranteed disaster.
Similarly, your height with play with the perceived proportion of a skirt to your body. For example, if my friend is 5'5 and I am 6'0, identical skirts will not look identical on either of us. Her skirt may rest naturally three inches above her knee, while mine is exactly two inches below my butt. Unfortunately, I'm not going for this look. If you are plagued by a similar situation, this is a good time to educate yourself on the perks of sizes in tall and petite (as mentioned above).

Follow this guide and you may save yourself from certain fashion disaster. Hopefully, you can also save yourself some green by purchasing clothes that look good and fit, instead of opting for one over the other in a fit of exasperation.

Get Fit: Outerwear

Lately, my blog has been overtaken by makeup ( my first true love), but fashion never stays in the backseat for too long. This week I came across some interesting infographics regarding proper "fit." I'm not discussing pictures on Pinterest that glorify a perfectly trainer-sculpted abdomen that is highlighted with some tricky Photoshop effects. No, I'm talking about how your clothes should fit on you. The way clothes fit is just as important, is not more so, than color, textile, comfort (scoff), and visual appeal. It doesn't matter how much a dress cost you, or which designer has their insignia on the interior label. What matters is how that dress rests on your curves or cinches in all of the right places.
Over the next few weeks I will be providing free lessons on fit (you lucky bastards). This evening it is raining ice in Iowa, so let's talk about the general category of outwear.

I absolutely adore outwear of all sorts: coats, jackets, blazers, and all the rest (I couldn't think of any others at the moment, to be honest). Due to function, outerwear pieces tend to be more of an investment rather than a throw away trend. Perhaps, above all, this means that outerwear should be given the most attention when it comes to fit.

Avoid the pull.This should go without say, as there is nothing that makes your outfit look more cheap, or you more overtly uncomfortable than a jacket or coat that pulls. It doesn't matter what type of outerwear we are taking in to consideration: if it pulls, it doesn't fit, so put it back and try again.
If you are unfamiliar with pulling, it is when the space between too seams is too tight across a given area of your body. This is most commonly seen across the chest, back, and in the shoulders. Imagine taking a piece of fabric in your hands and gripping it in the middle of the edge on either opposing side. If you pull (hint hint) the sides, you will notice ripples that form perpendicular to your fists. The tension from the fabric is forced to take from the areas where there is less tension (above and below) which causes this wave like effect.
If you come across pulling it is likely because your sizing is off or certain parts of your body aren't proportionate to what is considered the "standard" form for textiles and fashion manufacturing. This sounds like a passive way to say you are "fat and lumpy," but this isn't the case. Pulling can also be the result of the textiles that items are made from. Outerwear is made from fabrics that aren't commonly found on everyday clothing, take wool, for example. Wool, unlike cotton or spandex which is in most of our day-to-day items, does not stretch or give like other textiles. It is heavier and harder to manipulate, thus, it is doesn't provide you much wiggle room (so many puns).
The general remedy to all three of the above culprits is to go up a size. It can be a shot to the ego, but when something fits correctly and looks good, the size is irrelevant (actually, size is always irrelevant). It is likely that by picking a size bigger than what you normally wear, you are adding a few extra centimeters in the areas that are pulling.
This remedy is a double edged sword, though. If a jacket fits perfectly everywhere but in one or two places, it is likely you are going to just reverse the problems in your situation. Sure, the shoulders are no longer snug and tight, but the waist may be eating you alive. When you run in to this problem you aren't necessarily at a dead end. If the item is a must have and you would feel immense guilt leaving it on the rack for some unappreciative commoner to scoop up, then tailoring is your next step. Alterations can do amazing work, but there is a limit to how many miracles they can perform. Remember, it is easier to fix something too long or too big than too short or small. If everything fits, but the arms are too long, that is an inexpensive and quick fix. Unless you are a skilled seamstress or know of one (hi mom!), it's not something you can undo and fix on your own.
If these options aren't viable or don't work, then just walk away. There is no amount of tackiness that is worth what a poorly fitting jacket will provide.

Cut the vent.
Go to your closet right now. Grab every blazer, jacket, and coat you have. Flip them over so they are face down. Look at the bottom of the jacket. Is there a slice in the middle that is held together with a single piece of thread in the shape of an "x?" Yes? Hang your head in shame and get your scissors out. This slit, called a vent, allows a jacket or coat to comfortably move with you throughout the day. It makes the garment less constricting near the area of your body that generates the most movement. These vents are sewn shut at the end of manufacturing the ensure that during the packing and shipping process they don't become flattened at an angle, creating a crease that will never come out. Once you purchase a coat you should cut the vent before entering public. The thread that holds the vent together is often a single line that pulls out in one piece.

Hardware should match.
Sometimes I think designers let their interns choose the hardware when a design is nearing completion. Hardware, in my opinion (therefore, your opinion too), should receive just as much consideration as any other part of the design process. The hardware should match the style and function of any garment. A perfect example of this is a vintage style motorcycle jacket. If the leather is roughed up, the zippers shouldn't be a shiny gold or silver. Hardware that doesn't blend makes the garment look like more of an afterthought. Hardware is generally an easy replacement, so don't count a great buy out just because of a few odd looking buttons. Think of it as a chance to create your own one of a kind piece.

Fabric should be manageable.
As I mentioned before, outerwear comes in fabrics that are less common elsewhere in your wardrobe. Think about the fuzz that will be attracted to your new black jacket when you throw it in with your other clothes. That winter white coat may look sharp going in to Starbucks, but when you spill your coffee all over it after tripping over ice in the parking lot, then you are in for a run to the dry cleaners.
Outerwear is paramount to your other clothing because it is.....on the outside. People notice it first, it covers much of your body, and you wear it day after day. This means it requires different care from your yoga pants or pressed shirts.

Don't forget about its function.
When trying on outerwear items, don't forget what its purpose is. If you are buying a blazer for work, think about what is going underneath it or on top of it. If you are buying a winter coat, take in to consideration how heavy the sweaters are that you may be wearing underneath. If you are picking up a spring jacket, note how short it may be cropped and what challenges that might present with your seasonal wardrobe.

Important notes on closures.
Closures are any pieces or hardware or additional fabric that serve the purpose of closing any or all of the garment. This includes buttons, snaps, zippers, or belts. While closures can serve an aesthetic or novelty purpose, they are often meant to be intentional and functional. Each type of closure comes with its own set of potential struggles.

After buying a jacket, take a look at how well the buttons are secured to the garment. Depending on the style of the button, it made not be appropriately adhered and therefore, it may not last long when constantly being secured and unsecured. If you anticipate that this may be an issues, grab a needle and thread and sew them extra tight. If you don't know how to sew a button then may God have mercy on your soul.
Buttoning heavy outerwear is entirely up to the individual. Buttoning a blazer, on the other hand, actually has some guidelines. The general rule when buttoning a blazer is this: always button the top button, sometimes button the middle button, never button the bottom button. Always, sometimes, never. This applies to three button blazers, but can also be adapted for those with only two (just get rid of the middle button).

Snaps are somewhat uncommon on outerwear items, but are still worth mentioning. Always be sure to test out snaps to ensure that they actually do what their namesake implies. Occasionally snaps can become bent in the shipping and merchandising process, and lose their ability to close. Snaps are an easy fix at the hands of a tailor, but depending on what you are buying, they may not be worth the hassle. Additionally, snaps look dreadful if they produce any pulling. Always test snaps out once you have a garment on, as it may still not fit once closed.

Zippers are one of my favorite types of closures because they provide a little bit of an edge to items. Plus, they are fun to play with. Be sure to give the zippers a try before purchasing any outerwear. Zippers on outerwear tend to be a bit more heavy duty, as they should be, but can occasionally be difficult, if not impossible, to zip. Give them a quick up and down and make sure that the teeth are properly aligned and don't catch.
One final, yet very important note on zippers: if you have large boobs, zippered closures may inhibit your ability to fully inflate your lungs. They can also produce the effect of a uni-boob (singular mass of boob flesh) that is unsightly at best. Proceed with caution.

Ties or belts tend to be the most foolproof of all closures. Aside from making sure that a coat or jacket meant to come with a tie actually has it, that is about all the surveying you need to do. That said, unlike the other closure types, a belted closure doesn't allow you to necessarily choose whether you use it or not. If a jacket or coat has a belt, you should always use it. If you leave it hanging, your coat may look more like a robe. If you remove it but don't take the belt loops off, then you run the risk of looking like your forgot something.


And so we have a tutorial in how outerwear should fit. Outerwear isn't cheap and never will be, thus it shouldn't look that way on you. Invest in a pieces that are versatile, timeless, staples. Trenches, pea coats, and fitted blazers will always find a place in your wardrobe.

Nail Polish Manifesto

Welcome to my mani(cure)festo.

I have no idea why I waited to long to publish this particular stream of consciousness. Nail polish is my absolute most favorite makeup related thing in the history of makeup.

A few years ago my meager collection 50 or so bottles exploded into what how now become a vast ocean of glitters, creams, and metallics. This ocean runs about 400 bottles deep (no hyperbole there). I purchased a DVD display case just to house them all, and have recently run out of room.

Before any of you entertain thoughts about "excess," "duplicates," or "waste," just stop thinking. Mostly because I don't care about your opinion, but also because I ensure that my nails are in immaculate condition. This means that I never ruin them with fake nails or acrylics and I paint them every other day. The idea of chipped polish makes me uneasy. I don't have a single duplicate color and I rotate through my collection regularly. That said, I think I am in a position to make a a judgement call for everyone regarding the best brands on the price spectrum, so prepare yourself.


Rimmel Lasting Finish Pro ($2)
Seriously. $2 nails. Correction: $2 PERFECT nails.
I stumbled across this nail polish with scouring the clearance bins at Target. I didn't have many coral colored polishes in my collection and there happened to be a pretty coral polish by Rimmel marked below a dollar. The color served me no particular purpose as I didn't have an outfit it would round out or anywhere that it needed to go; it was cheap and I love nail polish, end of story. I swiped it on one evening with my usual two coats of color. The lacquer didn't bubble (a most dreaded occurrence), smudge, or appear dull after a few hours. Perhaps its most important quality was that it didn't chip. At all. For a week. A WEEK. I was astounded that an inexpensive product could produce such results. I bought several more bottles over the course of the next few weeks and was met with the same results. Furthermore, some of their colors were completely unique and unmatched by other brands. One additional perk of this polish is the rounded tapered brush. I have yet to meet a person with uncurved cuticles and don't understand why polish brushes remain squared off. The Rimmel brush follows the curve of your cuticle and keeps the less dexterous among us from messy fingers.
To truly show my passion for how great this brand was, I chose a few bottles to go with me on a three week trip to the UK. I new that they would last me for long periods of time without having to be changed, and therefore, would keep my nails in top condition during the trip. I wasn't disappointed.

Get it here.

Essie ($8.50)
The nail polish game jumps pretty quickly in price when you are searching for the good stuff, hence the jump in cost between Rimmel and the next lowest brand, Essie.

I have absolutely no idea when I was introduced to Essie polish; it just always seemed to have a place in my collection. I always thought the bottles were so delicate looking, so maybe that had something to do with it.

Essie is my go-to brand when it comes to what I would deem "lady-like" colors. In other words, traditional polish colors like reds, lavenders, pinks, and ivory are always top notch when manufactured by Essie. What makes these colors so perfect is how that color translates outside of the glass bottle. Reds, pinks, and purples can easily take on orange or blue hues under different lighting and may disappoint. Essie's varied versions of these colors, in my experience, have always been true to what's in the bottle and what's on my nails. Another issue with the lighter colors, like ivory, beige, and white, is that it takes 3+ coats to get the color opaque enough for the nail bed not to be visible. Unless you have four hours of dry time available and a climate controlled room to paint your nails, the numerous coats aren't particularly feasible.

In a single phrase: Essie does demure right.

Get it here.

OPI ($9)
You knew it was coming. OPI is the standard nail polish which all other polishes are compared to. I'm not sure what it is that has skyrocketed OPI to the top of it's market, but it has a strong hold on everything related to nails. I am willing to bet that everyone knows what the phrase "I'm Not Really a Waitress" means.

OPI was my first venture into "big girl" nail polish. In other words, it was my acknowledgement that sometimes cost and quality do correlate. What OPI had that others seemed to lack was a constant stream of new colors, textures, and finishes. Every few months I could expect a cute new polish line with clever titles to be released. While some of the shades would be eerily similar to colors I already had, there was always promise that the colors would never be perfectly identical.

This brand is, what I would call, the ultimate package. It really delivers in every possible category for the best price. The colors are always fresh, the formula is always consistent and easy to apply, and there is always something new around the corner. OPI often does celebrity collaborations for their upcoming lines and this leads to some interesting creations. For example, last year OPI released a James Bond line of polishes (my favorite to date) that were tied to the theatrical release of Skyfall. This collection featured an 18k gold top coat. This year, Mariah Carey's second line with OPI featured an 18k white gold top coat. Who comes up with something like that?! OPI, that's who. The brand has also teamed up with Disney to create a Minnie Mouse line, and coming soon is the Gwen Stefani polish line. Get. Excited.

Get it here.

Illamasqua ($18)
This brand is my wildcard, mostly because no one has ever heard of it. I came across this color while browsing Sephora. I had never used the brand before but was drawn to it's "speckled" colors (think a robin's egg). It was unique, new, and cute, so of course I bought three.

This brand wouldn't be featured on my blog if it the results of my impulse buy weren't positive. I found that this brand mixed casual wear with statement flair. The colors were bold, but not loud. They were attention getting without being juvenile. To me, they said, "I want to be professional, but I also don't want this stick up my ass."

The wearability was fantastic and I was able to make it quite a few days without a top coat when using Illamasqua. The speckled effect was charming and translated brilliantly from bottle to nail. Colors with non-textured finishes or formulas are equally as impressive from this brand.

Get it here.

Deborah Lippmann ($20)
I first came across this brand a few years ago, but never indulged because I was a broke college student and $20 for nail polish was too much for me. The bottles were chic and the colors were flawless; I was tempted but my willpower was too much.

One fateful day I went to get my haircut and my fabulous hair stylist at Jiva Aveda in Cedar Falls, Iowa (shout out to Sara Durrwachter, seriously, girl is a hair sorceress) pulled out a new polish she found that she thought I would like to see. She pulled out a beautiful square bottle that was filled with blue liquid and blue, green, and teal glitter ("Across the Universe," I mean who doesn't love that name? Idiots, that's who," Sara Durrwachter). Clearly, I was enamored with the polish. My day was made when she let me take home the bottle to try out when she hadn't even used it herself (talk about self-less love, no one uses my polishes first but me). I tried it on immediately that evening so I could return it to Sara ASAP. I feel anxious when I know one of my bottles is being held hostage and I didn't want to cause the same emotional distress.

As expected, the color and glitter was distributed evenly and cleanly. One issue that glitter polishes always seem to come across is uneven distribution of sparkle (this is a real life issue). Sometimes it looks like you dove, nails first, into a third grade art project and other times it looks like you barely swept your hand across a glittered Christmas ornament. Anyway, I applied two coats of Deborah Lippmann's polish and had a truly perfect manicure. The color was vibrant and dried without air bubbles. Perhaps what has kept me committed to Deborah Lippmann nail products is the "after" effect. As I stated before, I change my nail polish every two days. Lippmann's nail color lasted me well over a week before I needed to change it.

One of my favorite things about Deborah Lippmann's colors is the uniqueness and variety. The line of colors are truly one of a kind (especially her glitters). This is one of the products that I, without hesitation, think is entirely worth every penny.

 Get it here.

And there you have it. My nail polish manifesto.